59 + Powerful Anthony Jeselnik Quotes With Over 25 Sinfully Hilarious 

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes – This list contains some of the most popular, famous and best quotes and sayings ever done by Jeselnik. Anthony Jeselnik is originally from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania where he graduated from Tulane University. Anthony is a great stand-up comedian who is most famous for The Comedy Central Roast Of Donald Trump and The Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen, as well as The JeseLnik Offensive, which he starred in and created, airing for two seasons in 2013. According to Celebritynetworth Anthony Jeselnik is estimated to worth $1 million.

Anthony Jeselnik – Funny as Hell


15 + Must Know  Stats and Facts about Anthony Jeselnik

  1. Profession: Screenwriter, Comedian, Presenter, Television producer, Actor
  2. Nationality: United States of America
  3. Height: 6 ft 2 in (1.88 m)
  4. Anthony Jeselnik was born in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, on December 22, 1978
  5. He graduated from Upper St. Clair High School in 1997
  6. Jeselnik earned a bachelor’s degree in English literature with a business minor from Tulane University in 2001.
  7. He was a member of Alpha Epsilon Pi fraternity while at Tulane University
  8. He used to work as a Borders and Accounting Clerk
  9. Anthony Jeselnik has worked in a variety of television comedy shows, including Late Night With Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Down and Dirty with Jim Norton and Last Call with Carson Daly.
  10. The Person that inspired him the most are Mitch Hedberg, Dennis Miller, Sarah Silverman, and Steven Wright
  11. Anthony was named one of Variety’s 10 Comics to Watch in 2008
  12. Jeselnik’s Comedy Central Presents standup special premiered in 2009
  13. Her was named one of Comedy Central’s breakout comedians of the year alongside in 2009
  14. He recorded his debut album, Shakespeare in 2010
  15. In 2013, Jeselnik hosted his own Comedy Central series, The Jeselnik Offensive.
  16. Jeselnik starred in the first season of the NFL Media podcast “RJVP”
  • 59 + Powerful Anthony Jeselnik Quotes With Over 25 Sinfully HilariousAnthony Jeselnik QuotesSource: www.cc.com“Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.” Anthony Jeselnik
  • “Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “The world is full of horrible things…” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik # 5

  • “God, that Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “The driving force behind doing everything that I’ve been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.” Anthony Jeselnik
  • “I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke; he couldnt upset people, really.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “I’m not a comedy writer, I’m a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, “Here’s what I would say. Here’s what I would do if I got up there.” It drives me crazy.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn’t religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad’s head. Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, “Just kidding.” I know you’re just kidding. Don’t insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik # 15

  • My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don’t understand why she’s crying. I’m the one who has to get a new girlfriend. Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “There is nothing that’s off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that’s my job.” Anthony Jeselnik
  • I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there. Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy – I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it’s so different.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “People are surprised that I’m nice and it helps me out a little bit; it’s easy to be nice when everyone thinks you’re going to be a jerk but if people think you’re a nice guy then it’s tough because it’s what they expect.” Anthony Jeselnik
  • “In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • People say it’s easy to make fun of retarded people, but it’s not. You really have to explain it to them. Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “I was a terrible employee. I’ve been fired from almost every job I’ve ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I’d be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik # 25

  • My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can’t believe I’m only going to have sex with her one more time. Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop. Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It’s all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, ‘Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner? Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She’s always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she’s got a chocolate addiction. Get me away from those Hersheys bars. I’m addicted to them. It’s really annoying. So I put her in a car and I drove her downtown. And I pointed out a crack addict. And I said, Do you see that, honey?… Why can’t you be that skinny? Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine. Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn’t know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know. Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn’t sound that original, but she’s bulimic. Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • You’ll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old’s cold dead hands. Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik # 35

  • My dad’s been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can’t hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in – and we put him in a home. Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: ‘Not today, you bastards.’ Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious — nobody saw me. Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can’t remember the next joke.” Quote By – Anthony JeselnikMy mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch “Schindler’s List.” And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can’t believe it only happened once. Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • Yeah we’re not together anymore. She has got – she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I’ve heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend. Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes. Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik # 45

  • “The one thing I’ve found you really can’t joke about – and people think it’s death or something – is money. No one thinks it’s funny, whether you have it or you don’t. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about.” By Anthony JeselnikI’ve got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves. Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “I’m a realist all the way. I’m too cynical to be an optimist. But I’ve lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.” Quote By – Anthony JeselnikI have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look. Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I’m always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn’t want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, “I need you guys.” I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn’t want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.” Anthony Jeselnik
  • “Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they’re dead quiet, it’s still okay. If they start talking, that’s when you’ve lost them.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he’s a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.” By Anthony Jeselnik
  • “Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.” By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there’s a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik # 55

  • “In a late-night monologue, it’s not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.
    Anthony Jeselnik
  • “My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person… so I can get a better girlfriend.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I’m embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn’t be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn’t want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.” Anthony Jeselnik
  • “Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik
  • “Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.” Quote By – Anthony Jeselnik # 64

9 + Powerful Anthony Jeselnik Quotes With Over 25 Sinfully Hilarious – Which quotes from the listing was your favorite? Let us know in the comment area below. Thanks for reading and we would appreciate if you hit the share buttons to share the laughter and wisdom. 

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